I’ve been thinking a lot about perception and how I’ve allowed my own damaged perception to hold me back from so many things. I have indeed been my own worst enemy for much of my life. When amazing opportunities presented themselves to me, I sabotage everything and sweep it under the rug if I don’t feel confident or worthy of them. I’ve somehow exulted my perception above all – that has to be some form of narcissism, right? Not so much the vanity or conceit angle, but definitely the self-absorption part. If I can’t hear what someone is saying about me because of the way I see myself, I would say that’s pretty absorbed… Sigh… I desperately want to be free of this dysfunctional and self-deprecating behavior.
Years ago, my mom and I went to see a play. I ADORED theatrical productions and had dreamed of being a part of musical theatre since I was about five years old. Honestly, I could see a live performance every week and be happy. This play, however, was not so great. During intermission, I was explaining in exhaustive detail all the faults of the production. My mother, who isn’t nearly as critical as I, willing listened, nodding and making the proper corresponding facial expressions. After my rant, the man sitting in front of me turned around to say that he enjoyed listening to my assessment and completely agreed. And then he asked the craziest question,
“So, how many productions have you been in?”
“I’m sorry, what?”
He looked almost as confused as I felt.
“Stage productions. How many have you done?”
“Oh my gosh!” I laughed. “I attend the theatre; I’m not a part of it!”
He was visibly flabbergasted
“My darling, you were made for the theatre! Everything about you! I could tell just listening to you speak!”
I laughed from the sheer ridiculousness of his words. I went to speak, but he cut me off.
“I’m a producer. I’m starting a new production in a few weeks, and you’re going to be in it!”
I don’t think I spoke at all. I’m pretty sure I just stood there staring with my mouth wide open while he told me of his theatrical accomplishments and the amazing people he’s worked with.
“Here’s my card. YOU ARE DOING THIS!”
Then he looked at my mom, “Mom! Make sure she calls me!”
My mother smiled and gave a half-nod.
The lights started to flicker, indicating the end of intermission, and the mediocre play resumed. When it ended, Mr. Producer made haste to turn around and give me one more forceful nudge. I smiled big and told him, ‘Thank you.’
“I don’t want your ‘Thank yous’ I want you in my next production. So, call me!
My dream had landed upon my lap, wrapped in shiny paper with a bow. All I had to do was make one phone call the next day. But, instead of making that call, I stood naked in the mirror for what seemed like hours—staring, poking, and pulling at all the reasons why I didn’t deserve to be on stage. I had seen so many plays and musicals, and no one on those stages resembled this image in my mirror. Days passed, then weeks, months, now many years. I don’t talk about that night very often. It’s certainly one of my most painful memories. One of the times I can say without a doubt, I failed myself. A professional theatrical producer looked at me (all of me!) and knew that I was made for theatre! He thought it was a shame that I hadn’t performed before! This man knew more about theatre than I ever will, but that didn’t matter – not more than my perception.
Now I’m at a crossroads, where I’ve walked out of the only career I’ve ever known and pursuing dreams that once seemed out of reach. But I can’t trust that I’ll allow myself to move forward until I’m free from these self-inflicted chains. I can honestly say that I have no clue how, seriously noooooo clue, but this post is a big step. I want to be held accountable for my foolishness. Most people view me as a strong, confident, demanding, take it by force type of woman. And although that evaluation is partially accurate, I’ve spent years hiding behind it.
I don’t blame my mother AT ALL for my failure, but I wish she would have been more commanding with me. Unfortunately, I need to be challenged and pushed sometimes because I will allow my perception to devour every gift I’m given if left unchecked. So, if you’re reading this (whether we’ve met or not), I am giving you express permission to verbally attack if I show signs of self-sabotage! It takes a village, and this blog page is a part of mine. My life is changing in new and unexpected ways; I don’t want to be the enemy of my success anymore. I need to help. And if you DO have ideas on how I can be free from this weird form of ‘narcisitic-fearfilled-self-absorption-abuse,’ I will gladly listen… I don’t want it anymore.
Broken Bits 