Loving someone is such an inherently dangerous act. And yet, love, that’s where safety lives.
Gayle Forman
Our school break was mere days away, and he hadn’t said anything! I’m not one for hinting, so I waited, silently hoping. Blurred lines persisted from the infancy of our relationship, but something in him had changed since Christmas, and we’d been inseparable. I tried to ignore the emphatic suspicions of my roommates. Being in love with your best friend is scary enough without the fear that he might feel the same way. He already loved me with an almost surgical precision – a completeness that sometimes seemed unreal. If there could be more than this, I certainly wasn’t ready!
We sat in his apartment laughing about nothing of great importance when his expression turned serious. Nervously, he muttered something like, “You should come home with me so you can see where I’m from.” I then had whatever is the emotional equivalent to an orgasm, lightly punched his arm, and exclaimed, “It’s about time! I’ve been waiting for you to ask me!” We blushed and smiled for a few seconds, then began planning our mini holiday together.
I’d never been to West Virginia and couldn’t wait to see it! My excitement was only exceeded by my anxiety. I only knew us within the confines of the college experience, but soon we would be out in the real world – on his turf. On the other hand, I’d get to observe him in his element and become a part of his life outside of school. There was nothing about this man I didn’t love, and I was honored to experience the world that shaped him.
But first, I was to meet the woman who raised him. She was a tall, thin, natural beauty with long, thick, and wavy hair. They were like twins. Within minutes of meeting her, it was clear that so many of his extraordinary qualities were inherent maternal gifts. Even now, I don’t understand, but I felt a connection to her like one should only feel with their own mom – I loved her instantly.
West Virginia was stunning! After spending a lifetime in flat Ohio, the rolling hills were breathtaking. Even in February, the countryside was overflowing with lush and colorful plant life. I had never seen such picturesque landscapes, [but I guess I’d never really been anywhere besides Ohio and Indiana]. I totally get why John Denver sang about that place; it’s gorgeous.
On what remains the most beautiful rainy day of my life, a light fog rested atop the nearby peaks as rhythmic drops tapped soothingly against the tin awning. Inside, we marooned ourselves to the sofa, legs entwined under a blanket, watching A Thin Red Line. It was the most perfect moment… too perfect. I couldn’t focus on the movie… something was off. There was a feeling within me that sprang from nowhere, and it was not normal!
I am ignorant of many a thing, but rarely my emotions. I’d spent most of my years listening to, studying, and journaling about ME! So, how is it possible that I’m feeling something so intense, so intrusive, and have NO IDEA where it’s coming from?! I began rummaging through my emotional file cabinet, trying to identify this unfamiliar and unsettling sensation. It was creeping through me like a fast-spreading virus, leaving panic and confusion in its wake.
“You okay?” his question startled me back to the outside world.
“Yeah! I’m okay.” I gave my best attempt at a reassuring smile. He didn’t seem convinced but returned to the movie. His intrusion made me more desperate to pinpoint the tempest within. It was overtaking me yet refused to identify itself! There was no other emotion I could compare it to…
Then, he looked at me and smiled, a simple but genuine smile, just as he’d done dozens of times before. But this time, something shook inside of me. Suddenly, I knew what I was feeling; I knew what had me so shaken – I felt… safe.
Before I could thoroughly analyze the revelation, pure panic took hold of me. The room was spinning; I couldn’t catch my breath, my heart was beating so fast I could hear it in my ears! I thought I was having a heart attack! I jumped up and walked as calmly as possible onto the porch. I felt like a crazy person. I had no idea what was happening. I stood awhile, listening to the rain as fleeting clouds of mist escaped my lips with each rapid exhale. There was a flock of turkeys on a nearby hill, and I tried to focus on them, hoping to steady my senses.
Fearful that he would come out and see me having… well… whatever this was I was having, I forced a pseudo-semi-calm, went back in and sat down. I’m assuming the panic hadn’t released my face because he looked at me and instantly sat up with concern.
“Hey… What’s wrong?!”
“I… uhh… I don’t know…. how to…” I swear I fought it will all my power, but I began to cry. A hard, heavy cry wrenched from dark caverns of my soul never visited before.
He’d never seen me like this. A loving blend of fear and care washed across his face.
“It’s okay. Please tell me what’s going on.”
“It’s… it’s so… stupid.”
“No, it’s not stupid! You can tell me.”
As I looked into the soft, brown eyes of this beautiful man holding my hands, so worried about me, I knew that I really could tell him. In fact, I could tell him anything. I could put all of me, foolishness and all, into his hands, and I’d be perfectly safe. And with that realization, I wept painfully as if my very core was trying to escape through my face.
In between heaves and strained breaths, I eeked out the words, “You make… me… feel safe.”
He furrowed his brow in confusion, tilted his head, and replied, “You make me feel safe too.”
“No! You don’t understand… I’ve never felt safe before… with anyone… in my life!”
He smiled gently, “Aww… Then this is good, right? Why are you so upset?”
“I don’t… I just… I guess it’s just scary. I didn’t know it was possible to feel like this. I didn’t even know this was a thing. With you, I know that everything I am… is… safe.”
With anyone else, I would have felt like an idiot, but he looked at me as if I was the only thing in the world that mattered and said,
“Well, thank you! I feel safe with you too, really.”
I never knew if he fully grasped the enormity of that moment. At the time, it didn’t matter. We cuddled up together and finished the movie without really watching.
It was an unforgettable trip. I grew to know, understand, and love him (and myself) in brand new ways. I learned that emotions that cause normal people joy cause me panic attacks [this was the first, but not the last]. And I learned that being loved wholly, thoroughly, and unconditionally is possible – but not easy to come by. In the two decades since that weird and wonderful week, I’ve had several incredible friends, met many remarkable men, and maintained a relatively close relationship with my family. Yet, I’ve never felt “safe” with anyone else. But, I know that it can happen – even for me. And as G.I. Joe says, “Knowing is half the battle!”
Broken Bits 