Whew… it’s been a looooong time since I’ve had time to sit down and write for myself. In the past four months, I’ve moved into a new home, started two new jobs, co-produced a musical, and tried HARD not to fail my courses in school. But, as frustrating, exhausting, and sometimes impossible as it seemed, I feel richer for the experience! One conversation, in particular, proved most enlightening. Not that the information was new, but the presentation was hard-hitting.

As I said, I co-produced a musical – Sister Act, at Cleveland Heights High School. The show ran from November 3-6, but the making of it took months and tons of hard work. This was my first experience working behind the scenes of the theatre and certainly as a producer (which I learned is just a fancy word for the person who runs around getting things together for the director, crew, and talent).

After the final show, the director took me out to celebrate a job well done. He said he needed to talk to me about something, and I assumed it was my myriad of mistakes during the process. Instead, he said, “I think you have the potential to change the lives of so many people, far beyond your friends, family, and even the kids at school. But you never will unless you fix the problem of you.”

The phrase, “the problem of you,” arrested me. What was even more arresting was that he said this as if I knew exactly what “the problem of me” was! He had moved on to a new subject, and I was still stuck on those words. I interrupted him and asked, “Umm… excuse me, can we go back to the problem of me, please?” He responded, “No one can say that you aren’t thoughtful. And you give your all to everything – except yourself. You can’t last that way. So, instead of being helpful and changing the world, you’re going to eventually burn out and be of no use to anyone.”

I thought about this all night and the next day as well. Not only the words but the person who said them. I’d heard similar advice from close friends my entire life. However, there was something undeniable about hearing it from someone I’d just met. And I must say, the words he chose were stunning. Hearing it put as “the problem of me” made it more difficult to see the “problem” as anything bigger than… well… ME. And if I’m the problem, then I’m the one who needs fixin’!

So, I did a few things I’ve never done before: 1. I took the next day off work to rest. This doesn’t sound like a big deal, but it was the first time in my life that I took a day off work simply because I needed to rest. I’d been working 16-hour days and trying to catch up on schoolwork and hadn’t rested in weeks. 2. I skipped one of my papers. This one scared me. I’ve never failed to turn in an assignment, especially a paper that could result in a full letter grade drop. But I desperately needed a break and allowed myself a possible B. And 3. I asked others for help.

I was feeling all proud of myself when I realized that the prior month would have been far more manageable had I done any of these things earlier. As much as I rant about the importance of proactivity, I never consider it when I’m overwhelmed. I think I’ve spent so much time trying to heal the damage of past hurts and learning some regimen of “self-care” that I’d somehow taken ME out of the equation. No matter the cause, I’m the actual problem, my thoughts and my behaviors. I’m what needs, nay, has to be changed – there’s really no way around it.

I’m grateful for all the foundational work and reflection I’ve done. I’m grateful for the kind, compassionate, and gentle advice I’ve received from those who love me. But, at some point, I have to let everything else go and focus on the problem. I tell my kids every day that the only thing in life we can control is ourselves. When it comes to most things, I succeed at this control. Problem is, I’ve rested on those laurels. The next time I’m exhausted, I’m not going to look at the situations because they aren’t the problem; I’m going to look at the one person who should be in control… Have I mentioned that life is hard?