“God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.”

-Attributed to Lutheran theologian Reinhold Niebuhr (1892–1971). 

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I’ve been trying to find a way to write this with a measure of ambiguity or, at the very least, eloquence. But after staring at a blank screen for hours, I must acquiesce. There are some feelings that can’t be wrapped in a bouquet or spritzed with a lovely perfume. Sometimes, our insides are just dark and dirty. My truth is, I feel like a loser. 

When I scan my scoreboard of accomplishments, I see a few bright spots. But any “good” I’ve done is ultimately devoured by the magnificent lack of progress I’ve made. It’s as if I’m attached to a giant rubber band that snaps me back whenever I feel triumphant or seem to move too far ahead.

I realize that my self-esteem doesn’t merely involve the delicate balance of effort, intention, and execution. Sadly, and unbeknownst to me, I weigh my worth against the uncontrollable fortuity of circumstance. 

So, basically, since being a conscientious employee, getting straight As, working out, and keeping a lovely, clean home have ultimately led to losing the job of my dreams, making tiny professional strides, getting sick, gaining weight, and being unhoused – none of it ever mattered! YEARS worth of toil to end up feeling more loss than gain. 

As I write this, I’m remembering all the wise words I’ve spoken to young women over the years. I’ve said things like, “You are not your circumstances,” and “You can’t control anything in this life but yourself.” I’m nearly choking on my hypocrisy as I wrestle with unyielding feelings of failure and discouragement. 

Now, the task is learning to be mature enough to stop internalizing things I can’t control.