“This will be the best experience of my life, as long as I don’t fall in love!” was one of the last things I said to my best friend after we loaded my mom’s van. The day was June 26, 1999. I’d been a high school graduate for approximately two weeks and was more than ready to begin my culinary education. The move from Cleveland to Pittsburgh was only a 2-hour drive, yet it somehow felt as if a whole new world was before me. As I stepped my foot on the ground of a brand new city, I couldn’t believe that this was all real. Standing in the registration room with dozens of kids who shared my same dream, I felt kinship and camaraderie. I was gleefully taking in the sights and sounds of my surroundings when I saw him.
Read moreSafe
Loving someone is such an inherently dangerous act. And yet, love, that’s where safety lives.
Gayle Forman
Our school break was mere days away, and he hadn’t said anything! I’m not one for hinting, so I waited, silently hoping. Blurred lines persisted from the infancy of our relationship, but something in him had changed since Christmas, and we’d been inseparable. I tried to ignore the emphatic suspicions of my roommates. Being in love with your best friend is scary enough without the fear that he might feel the same way. He already loved me with an almost surgical precision – a completeness that sometimes seemed unreal. If there could be more than this, I certainly wasn’t ready!
Read moreIn the immortal words of Mr. Mercury, “I Want to Break Free!”
I’ve been thinking a lot about perception and how I’ve allowed my own damaged perception to hold me back from so many things. I have indeed been my own worst enemy for much of my life. When amazing opportunities presented themselves to me, I sabotage everything and sweep it under the rug if I don’t feel confident or worthy of them. I’ve somehow exulted my perception above all – that has to be some form of narcissism, right? Not so much the vanity or conceit angle, but definitely the self-absorption part. If I can’t hear what someone is saying about me because of the way I see myself, I would say that’s pretty absorbed… Sigh… I desperately want to be free of this dysfunctional and self-deprecating behavior.
Read moreLove The One You’re With ~ Even If That’s YOU!
Valentine’s Day has always been a child’s holiday to me. It’s about adorable little cards, tiny chalky hearts with poorly etched messages of love, and hoping to receive something special from your crush. I’ve never viewed the day with any mature romantic meaning. I don’t sit around hoping for a “Valentine” or being sad when I don’t receive roses. (Y’all know by now that I’m romantically broken).
Read moreAlone
My favorite time of the day or night has always been when everyone else was asleep, and the world felt as if it were mine and mine alone. There was no one to misunderstand me or be offended by my expressions, just me and my thoughts. Thoughts that I was free to have because they didn’t war with anyone else’s. Late nights and early mornings provided a much-needed reprieve from justifying who I was. I purposely stayed up until the wee hours of the morning, reveling in the quiet, judgment-free zone that nighttime provided. It got to the point where I was sleeping approximately two hours a day, and I didn’t mind at all. It was worth it to have peace.
Read moreThe Plea
I wrote this poem almost fifteen years ago. I’m amazed at how little my heart has moved in all this time. I know what everyone says, but I’m not so sure if time heals as much as it distances and blurs. Either way, it’s failed me… because I’m still falling.
Read moreYour Muchness
Hiya! I haven’t received any responses to my question So, I’m back again!
I’m not looking for anything eloquent or deep, just want to know your idea of self-care? What makes you feel most peaceful, free, and complete? The things you do that make you feel the most… well, YOU.
You could write a short list or an entire story! I just wanna hear from ya.
-Nikita
Muchness
I’ve looked at life from both sides now
Joni Mitchell, Both Sides Now
From win and lose and still somehow
It’s life’s illusions I recall
I really don’t know life at all
I used to sing… a lot, without any music or encouragement whatsoever. It wasn’t something that I was conscious of or even wanted to do; songs just spilled out of me like joy. It was so natural that I almost failed to notice when it stopped.
Read moreRodents, Commitment & Costco
This is going to sound nuts, but Costco is my happy place. Well, at least one of my happy places. Particularly the Costco in Mayfield Heights, Ohio. It’s always so clean, well-organized, and brightly lit, with exciting things to sample and purchase. I just love it there! On days when I felt a little down, I’d go to Costco, walk around, buy way more of something than I could ever need, and have the best darn hot dog you can find for $1.50. Shopping rarely makes me happy - unless it's for books or housewares - but somehow a trip to Costco could entirely lighten my mood.
Read more
Errors of the Human Body
Picture it: A 5’ 10” 19-year old sitting alone in a pediatric gynecologist waiting room full of 12-year old girls with their moms. I felt ridiculous, but Cleveland Clinic wouldn’t allow me to see the adult GYN since I wasn’t sexually active, hadn’t started my menstrual cycle, or had ever seen a gynecologist before. So, I sat and waited while the moms and daughters tried not to stare at the oddly placed woman without a child. And after my shockingly intrusive examination, I learned that I would likely always be the woman without a child. Also, the battle I was fighting with my body image would be much tougher than I thought.
Read more
Broken Bits 