Broken Bits

Please, celebrate me home
Give me a number
Please, celebrate me home
Play me one more song
That I'll always remember
And I can recall
Whenever I find myself too all alone
I can sing me home.
           -Celebrate Me Home, Kenny Loggins

I’ve always loved the holidays! Although Thanksgiving is my favorite, the entire season from my birthday (Novembeer 14) through New Year’s Day was magical. It’s a time of year that I look forward to and take every opportunity to celebrate. I decorate my home, play holiday music and movies constantly, buy as many gifts as possible, and soak up all the cheer! But things are different this year. I don’t feel light and cheerful. Instead, I feel detached and burdened. I spent Thanksgiving at home alone in pajamas instead of with friends and family – and it was perfect. I have no desire to buy Christmas gifts, which is crazy! I bought cards weeks ago and never got the unction to fill them out and send them.

Whew… it’s been a looooong time since I’ve had time to sit down and write for myself. In the past four months, I’ve moved into a new home, started two new jobs, co-produced a musical, and tried HARD not to fail my courses in school. But, as frustrating, exhausting, and sometimes impossible as it seemed, I feel richer for the experience! One conversation, in particular, proved most enlightening. Not that the information was new, but the presentation was hard-hitting.

Hello Readers! Long time, no… umm… reading? My life has been a confusing mess for the past two months and creating coherent, rational sentences proved far too difficult. So, instead of burdening you with my random, toxic thoughts, I took a break. And although I’m slowly coming out of my haze, I still don’t know how to put my current emotions into words.

So, I’ve decided to share a short story with you. It isn’t polished yet, but I’m proud of it because it isn’t like anything I’ve ever written before. Also, it’s complete fiction, which I generally don’t write. My friend gave me the challenge of writing a story about a pear, and this is what I came up with. I hope you enjoy it!

It took cranberry goat cheese with a beautiful, wise friend, a Tom Collins with the best man I know, and some questionable karaoke with my precious sisters, but there’s definitely an ellipsis on my horizon! I think I’m the only one who ever doubted. I’m so grateful for the love of those who can see beyond my scope and never fail to pull me from my dark places.

In the sweetness of friendship, let there be laughter and sharing of pleasures. For in the dew of little things, the heart finds its morning and is refreshed.

Khalil Gibran

I recently completed the course Theories of Addiction and found the intricacies of relapse to be most interesting. According to the theorists, relapse is often the result of self-defeating thinking and putting oneself in high-risk situations. However, the road is paved with what’s called Apparently Irrelevant Decisions (AIDs). Which are small individual choices that one fails to incorporate into the whole. AIDSs are how people relapse, ruin relationships, lose jobs, become overweight, get into debt, procrastinate, and much more. It’s a failure to see the big picture or truly acknowledge the direction each tiny step is taking us.

I was cruising through Costco after a HARD few days, and as I passed a little boy sitting in the shopping cart being pushed by his father, he smiled and reached out to offer me a bite of whatever sample he was eating. I looked at him and said, “Mmm… that looks yummy!” To which he nodded in vehement agreement. With much enthusiasm, he started telling me a barely coherent story about his family. I responded with gasps and intense interest because he seemed so excited to speak to me. Then when the dad started talking to me about nothing important, I noticed how tired he looked. I figured it was because he was out shopping with two young boys all by himself.

It’s no secret that I haven’t felt particularly victorious in my life right now. I am struggling to shake that failing feeling, and this past week didn’t help. I started a new job that requires more time (time I don’t have), I began a mathematics course in school (my weakest subject, by far), and I have been pretty ill the past six days. The illness really sucked because, as I mentioned in my previous post, my life has no pause button right now. Everything is a MUST DO, and it all must be done by me. I only had 32% to give this week, but I worked hard to give 100% of that to school, both jobs, and my aunt. [Totally failed the latter, by the way… I, unfortunately, overheard a discouraging conversation.]

For the past six weeks or so, my life’s PAUSE button has been broken. Most days, I feel as if the walls are closing in on me, and I don’t have enough time or mental clarity to form a plan of escape. I feel like I’m failing… failing at school, failing to give my all at work, failing my aunt (who I’m supposed to be helping), and failing myself because I’m constantly stressed and have no clue how to administer self-care when it’s all I can do to survive.

I remember when I heard The Rainbow Connection for the first time. I was about four years old, and it made me cry. Although I’m pretty sure I had no idea what it meant (I barely do now). It was beautiful, hopeful, and made me feel like all people should love one another, no matter what. It never took much for me to feel that way; I was definitely a little hippie-child. But even now – in my old age – I wish that we all just loved one another – at any cost.

Sigh… I guess, like Kermit, I’m just a lover and a dreamer.