“And then a Plank in Reason broke, And I dropped down, and down” -Emily Dickinson

I am Nikita. I realize it’s customary to say ‘my name is Nikita,’ but I’m quite certain that I actually am Nikita, in every way. In any circle, I would easily be considered honest, strong, bold, charismatic, altruistic, passionate, and fearless – even I struggle to oppose this assessment. Yet, somehow, I have managed to keep a very sick and badly broken heart tucked hidden within myself for more than 30 years.

Hiding was surprisingly easy. I learned to relinquish my time, energy, wisdom, compassion, attention, and affection without provocation. The more I gave, the more abstract and inhuman I became to the receivers. Like a light bulb, I existed to supply a need. As long as light keeps shining, why acknowledge the source? Let’s be honest; no one cares about Santa on a random Tuesday in May; he’s only real when bare spaces beneath glimmering evergreens demand contribution.

At some point, around ten years ago, my light grew dim. Not all at once, I flickered at first – no one noticed. Soon the flickering became constant, accompanied by a faint incessant buzz – few noticed. Then the dimness came. So dim. I had little light to provide and no energy to give it. I spoke foreign phrases such as, “I don’t think I can,” and “I’m sorry, I just can’t,” – everyone noticed.

By then, it was too late. I had inadvertently created multiple relationships in which my Santa role had cemented. Overwhelmed, exhausted, and depleted, I found myself more alone than I’d even been while the moths circled, waiting for a light I no longer possessed. In my efforts to protect myself and those I love, I managed to facilitate: codependence, enablement, and, quite possibly, a savior complex. Who knew failure could take so much effort? Sigh.

I wake, wash, dress, drive, work, eat, drive, undress, wash, eat, rest, sleep, dream while gingerly cradling a heart full of broken bits. Bits that I work feverishly to keep from infecting my thoughts, words, and behaviors. Bits that are fruitless since I keep them veiled so as not to inconvenience others – including those who caused the breakage. Bits that have triggered a maleficent internal bleeding that’s draining me of, well, me.

So, no more hiding; I’m laying my whole heart bare. My weirdness, silliness, failures, triumphs, regrets, ridiculous rantings  – and even the painful, broken parts that have been hidden for far too long. I don’t expect this to be easy, but it’s time. I’m hoping that as I relinquish my fragments, they might fit into the barren places of your soul, forming a mosaic of human connectivity, empathy, and healing for both you and me.

We are never as alone as we feel.
~Nikita Garcias