“You are not a mistake. You are not a problem to be solved.
But you won’t discover this until you are willing to stop
banging your head against the wall of shaming and caging and fearing yourself.
– Geneen Roth

Someone I love more than anyone in the world called to say that he needed me. Nothing particularly horrible had happened; there was no physical harm; he just needed me. He’d planned to drive the four hours from West Virginia to Ohio, take me home with him where we’d spend a few days together, and bring me back. He’s not the type of man who’d ever express an emotional need unless it was genuine and urgent. I knew this about him, but even if I hadn’t, the distress in his voice was audible and quite painful to hear. Yet, I said no.

I underestimated his desperation and was caught off guard when he offered to drive those four hours just to see my smile, hold me for a while, and drive four hours home. In my fear, I said that I’d have to think about it and would call him back. Immediately, I ran to the bathroom scale, and when the number betrayed me, I called him to reiterate my unavailability. With a quivering voice, he begged to see me. In all of the intimacy the two of us shared, I’d never heard him sound so anguished or so alone. I wanted to be the friend that he had always been to me, the friend that I promised I’d always be to him. However, the weight of the number on that scale was heavier than my promise, morals, common sense, love, maturity, and every other decent quality I possessed.

I never gave him a real reason, just “I can’t.” I knew how hard it was for him to be that vulnerable and open. I also knew that I was breaking his heart. Truth is, I was breaking mine as well. There was no one in the world I would rather have spent time with. I’d been waiting and waiting for him to express these feelings toward me, to need me this badly, to look around his life and realize that the absence of my smile and my distance from his arms was unbearable. I wanted nothing more than this moment that I ran away from – this man who I ran away from.  

We were never the same after that day. The change would have been unnoticed by anyone else, but not me. It wasn’t the only damage I caused in our relationship, but I believe it left the most shrapnel.

This was meant to be a much longer post. I started it as a short story but couldn’t stomach writing all of the details and dialogue. This is the broken bit that aches above all others. I don’t know how forgiving myself would even work in this situation unless I’m given another chance to choose him over my fear and pride. Which now seems highly unlikely. In my favorite song, Jeff Buckley sings, “She’s the tear that hangs inside my soul forever.” Well, this… he… is my forever tear. Daily, I ask myself if I’ve grown strong enough to make the wiser decision now, in this body, at this weight – I never answer.