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Picture it: A 5’ 10” 19-year old sitting alone in a pediatric gynecologist waiting room full of 12-year old girls with their moms. I felt ridiculous, but Cleveland Clinic wouldn’t allow me to see the adult GYN since I wasn’t sexually active, hadn’t started my menstrual cycle, or had ever seen a gynecologist before. So, I sat and waited while the moms and daughters tried not to stare at the oddly placed woman without a child. And after my shockingly intrusive examination, I learned that I would likely always be the woman without a child. Also, the battle I was fighting with my body image would be much tougher than I thought.

As diagnoses go, one could do far worse than PCOS. I was told that I might never get a cycle, which was perfectly fine with me. I was even fine with the fact that I may never birth children of my own. It wasn’t that I didn’t like kids – I adored them, but there were more than enough little people in this world who needed love; they didn’t have to share my DNA. All of this was manageable.

The other symptoms of PCOS, however, were devastating, especially for a 19-year-old young woman. My doctor, who was wonderfully compassionate, explained that because of PCOS, I could eat the same exact meal as a “normal” woman but would have to work out twice as hard and three times as long to burn it off. There would be a lifetime of major weight loss struggles, excess weight in my midsection, hyperpigmentation, acne, high levels of testosterone leading to a supercharged libido, hair loss on the head, with hair growth on face, neck, and chest. And symptoms would likely worsen as I aged. This was like a death sentence to my body image! And I needed NO help hating my physical appearance. I kept the information to myself and cried, alone, for days.

After the initial trauma wore off and the diagnosis sank in, I decided to bury it until I could deny its existence.  In 2000, doctors were still studying the disorder and knew very little about causes or treatments. I had the choice of thinking about this every day with little help from western medicine, or I could just pretend it didn’t exist and that everything would be fine. That worked for a couple of years until symptoms showed up, one by one. Unfortunately, my doctor’s words proved true.

Although I was active, loved veggies, didn’t like soda, hated candy, wasn’t into chips and packaged snacks, I still couldn’t lose weight! I even went vegan for a while – nothing worked. My skin had darkened from hyperpigmentation and scarring. I secretly underwent very painful and expensive electrolysis treatments for almost a year. I felt like I was being forced to live inside a body that I didn’t earn, a body that betrayed the woman who lived inside. I became filled with anger, bitterness, and disdain for… well… me. Avoiding cameras, mirrors, or anything that could remind me of the monstrous form in which I was held captive. The infuriating unfairness of it all was almost unbearable.

All the symptoms sucked, but more than anything, I wanted to lose weight. I would have sacrificed one of my siblings to be a size 12! [Seriously… still would. I’ve already decided which one – just in case]. For years, I flip-flopped between “Okay, I can do this!” and “Nothing ever works, what’s the point?!” By my late 30’s, I had pretty much given up on ever being comfortable in my body. But something happens when you move 2,500 miles from the only place you’ve ever known; goals once deemed distant suddenly seem within grasp. In the new light of my new life in this new part of the country, I felt new hope!

I went on a 7-day water fast in hopes of giving my system a reboot. From the fast, I began intermittent fasting and working out every morning. I was so excited about my new lifestyle. I had more energy, focus and even slept better! After a month, I stepped on a scale prepared to have a one-woman party in my bathroom. Instead, I was bulldozed by an inexplicable two-pound weight gain!!! I don’t curse, but there was a long string of expletives flowing through my confused, raging mind. I DID EVERYTHING RIGHT… Sooooo many mental bad words!

And with that, I gave up! For the next two weeks, I ate whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted, and stopped working out – I was done caring. At the end of my two-week tantrum, I got on the scale to survey the damage. I lost three pounds. It was the first time in my life that weight loss pissed me off! What the heck was going on?! Apparently, PCOS hadn’t disappeared because I lasered some symptoms and tried to ignore the others. It was impossible to win a battle against an enemy that I refused to acknowledge.

Ugh… life is hard!

So, I headed to the number one resource for medical research and data – Google! I won’t bore you with all of the much-needed information I found, but after countless articles and videos, I found Kym Campbell (to whom I am eternally grateful). I learned that although I was doing everything right for a “normal” woman, I was doing almost NOTHING right for me. PCOS is a hormonal disorder, and foods that are healthy for others can be harmful to me. Exercises that help others lose weight are processed as trauma by my crazy body. [LESSON FOR THE DAY: Ignorance is not now, nor has it ever been, bliss.]

If I’d been a mature, rational individual, I would have appreciated this new knowledge; excited to have an actual game plan to reach my goals. Instead, I had another tantrum: Woah is me! This is unfair! Why is this happening to me?! Yada yada yada. I didn’t want to stay down for two weeks this time, so I called in reinforcements. I had read about this woman named Kiah Twisselman, who’d lost over 125 pounds and became a life coach. I never had a desire to speak with a life coach before but felt compelled to call her, so I did.

Kiah asked a few questions and then opened the floor so I could share my journey. I told her everything; things I’d never said to anyone, or even out loud to myself. When I finished speaking, she said something that no one’s ever said to me before. She told me that it might help if I became grateful… She called me ungrateful?! I was stunned and struggled to reconcile her opinion with the woman I believe I am. I’ve always tried to live a life of gratefulness! How could she have gotten that conclusion from my story?

While I was trying to think up a rebuttal, Kiah asked, “When you’re working to make others feel loved, whose body are you doing it in? When you’re kicking @ss and being a Rockstar in your kitchen, whose body is making that possible? You may not like how it looks, but everything you’ve ever done that’s made you feel any joy was done in that body. Be grateful! Instead of judging it, say ‘Thank you.’ You could continue being bitter and angry towards yourself, but that doesn’t seem to be getting you where you want to be. So, choose gratefulness. Choose to love YOU and see what happens!”

[You know that little emoji guy with big eyes and colorful stuff exploding from the top of his head? Well, insert that here.]

I do not exaggerate when I say that in one 45-minute conversation, she changed my entire perspective! I guess that’s what Life Coaches are supposed to do. It’s been months since that conversation, and I’m mere yards from the starting line. I have a long way to go, but I’m nicer to myself. When I recognize cruel thoughts toward my body, I try to stop and say ‘Thank you’ instead. It’s been interesting to learn how much stress I put on myself through self-hatred and judgment. Thank you, Kiah!

I realize that I’ll never have the body I want – which will always be a struggle for me. But I can choose to be grateful for a body that moves whenever I ask it to move; squeezes my loved ones when they’re near; uses all its senses to experience the magnificence of the ocean; and a body that sat down at this desk and wrote this blog post. To that body, I say ‘Thank you! One day you will be loved – I promise.’

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*For helpful information on PCOS, I highly recommend looking up Kym Campbell. Her insight has helped me more than any physician I've seen.  
www.smartfertilitychoices.com

*If you're looking for someone to help you with direction, goal-setting, and motivation, I believe that Kiah Twisselman is worth the investment! 
www.coachkiah.com