I’ve looked at life from both sides now
From win and lose and still somehow
It’s life’s illusions I recall
I really don’t know life at all

Joni Mitchell, Both Sides Now

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I used to sing… a lot, without any music or encouragement whatsoever. It wasn’t something that I was conscious of or even wanted to do; songs just spilled out of me like joy. It was so natural that I almost failed to notice when it stopped.

For fifteen years, my life was a blur of loss – most notably, the loss of me. It hadn’t happened all at once: dreams, desires, habits, hobbies, peace, and even laughter, all seeped from me as lifeblood. I came to the painfully stark realization that the clichés, self-help books, and interventions from well-meaning friends were right, and I was oh, so wrong. If you don’t take care of yourself, you cant take care of others. Ugh… I feel like a dime-store psychiatrist saying that, yet I’d learned just how true it is. I had this crazy idea that the more I gave of myself to others, the more fulfilled and alive I would feel. But I had given out all I had and felt nothing remotely close to fulfillment or life. I’d lost everything, truly everything, and had nothing left for me.

Someone remarked that I had lost my “muchness,” and their words instantly rang true and broke my heart. I was falling apart. My inner-circle convinced me to begin a journey of self-care. That may sound exciting, taking time to intentionally lavish care on oneself, but it was absolutely terrifying at first. I had no idea how to care for myself beyond hygiene and nourishment, which is crazy because I generally saw others’ needs so clearly. I felt guilty for having these needs and exhausted at the thought of filling them. I knew I had a crippling fear of inconveniencing others, but how in the world can I be an inconvenience to myself! What kind of messed up crap is that?!

Recognizing the gravity of my brokenness, I knew I had to take this seriously. My first big step was a change of environment; Cleveland had become the graveyard of my joy. After being laid off in February of 2019, I started applying to jobs in states I’ve always wanted to see. Two months later, I was in California, 2,500 miles from stale routines and messy memories. I soon bought a new wardrobe, something I’d NEVER done before – including 13 pairs of fabulous shoes. I even bought myself a frivolous gift above $50 – also a first. Once I got past the guilt of it all, I did enjoy having things that made me feel good. But, they were only things, and things have never moved me. No singing.

I had to take my self-care beyond material goods! I subscribed to my favorite magazines and started waking up an hour earlier to have ‘me-time’ before work. I invested in regularly scheduled pedicures, facials, and Brazilians, which was lovely. I allowed time to sit by the ocean, took walks to think and started taking breaks at work. There was a little singing, now and then – just a little.

In March of 2020, I enrolled at Indiana Wesleyan University to attain my Bachelor’s in Human Services. I’d always wanted to help the homeless community and work in child advocacy. Still a little singing, but nothing noteworthy. In October 2020, I realized that the foodservice industry was abusive and would always take more from my life than it added. How can I execute self-care when I spend 40-60 hours a week stressed and unfulfilled? So I left the only career I’ve ever known and became an elementary school, Instructional Aide. My exit from Chef-life freed so much time and energy! Two weeks after my last day as a chef, I started this blog, which has become the most enjoyable thing in my life. I work regular hours, have weekends off, and absolutely love my job.

My massive career change cut my salary in half, which, for some reason, I didn’t mind. I could no longer afford my house and had to move to a tiny cottage on a hill. I had several mini-tantrums about moving here; however, it proved to be absolutely perfect! It turns out that joy doesn’t come in square footage. I had everything that I needed and the most amazing views. My lack of space indoors helped narrow my focus in the most beautiful and unexpected ways. Those Tiny House people are onto something – who knew?!

So, there I was with this brand new life that looked NOTHING like the life I thought would make me feel complete. The career I’ve worked for, the salary I earned, and the home I could afford were all gone. I may not have understood self-care, but I certainly understood loss, and this should feel like loss, right? Yet, somehow it didn’t; it felt like something I was unfamiliar with, something too new for me to explain…

A few days ago, I was sitting at my desk, writing, when “Don’t Take the Money” by Bleachers started playing on Pandora. Without warning, I jumped up and started dancing around my kitchen – this was new! I danced myself to exhaustion, with a smile plastered on my face. I was so busy trying to reclaim the joys and dreams of my past that I failed to consider the possibility of brand new and even greater ones to come!

Yes, I used to be happy, and the afflictions of life steamrolled me. But, as Joni Mitchell once said, “Well something’s lost, but something’s gained in living every day.” I’m not the same girl who used to sing all day because she was naïve to the darkness around her. I’m stronger and wiser! I know the darkness is there, I’ve seen it, I know the damage it can cause, but I’m seasoned enough to find the joy through and in it all.

If we focus too hard on recovering what we think we lost, we just might miss all that’s been gained in the process.

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I've shared so much in these past two months; I'd love to hear from you! When creating this blog, one of my greatest desires was to share our beautiful and broken bits with one another. So, I ask; What is your idea of self-care? What makes you feel most peaceful, free, and complete? How do you hold on to YOUR muchness?? 

You can send me emails or simply respond below in the COMMENTS section for everyone to share.

I can’t wait to hear from you!