My favorite time of the day or night has always been when everyone else was asleep, and the world felt as if it were mine and mine alone. There was no one to misunderstand me or be offended by my expressions, just me and my thoughts. Thoughts that I was free to have because they didn’t war with anyone else’s. Late nights and early mornings provided a much-needed reprieve from justifying who I was. I purposely stayed up until the wee hours of the morning, reveling in the quiet, judgment-free zone that nighttime provided. It got to the point where I was sleeping approximately two hours a day, and I didn’t mind at all. It was worth it to have peace.

There was always something wrong with me among my family and peers – something that I needed to change. I was too happy because I laughed and smiled all the time; too sensitive because I couldn’t handle violence or even the news; too confrontational because I spoke against ALL injustice I witnessed; too bold because I never chose flattery over truth; and too “different” because I never cared enough to conform. Of course, these were all perceptions. If anyone had actually taken the time to ask me WHY I did what I did, said what I said, or was who I was, they could have seen that I wasn’t on some crazy mission to rebel against the ways of the world. I was just me. I didn’t know how to be anything else, although I tried SO hard! Eventually, I figured that maybe I was too me for others to accept.

One night after dinner, the family was having ice cream; Heavenly Hash, my favorite. It was basically the same as Rocky Road, and the almonds were my favorite part. I had noticed the past few times I had it that there were never enough almonds left in my final spoon full when I got to the end. This wouldn’t matter to most people, but even as a 10-year-old, I thought like a chef and always sought answers to culinarian issues. I decided that it would be a good idea to use a fork; that way, once the ice cream got all melty towards the end, I could use the tines to sieve out the almonds and save them for last. Not the greatest idea, but hey, I was a kid!

I had given this whole fork thing a lot of thought and was SO excited to try it out! I never liked science class, but always loved inventing and experimenting with things. I got my ice cream and my fork, thinking hard about the proper way to execute ‘Operation Almond.’ But before I could even begin, my family did,
“Ugh… here she goes! Of course, she can’t just eat ice cream with a spoon like everybody else!”
“No, she has to be different!”
“She only wants attention, don’t give it to her.”
“It’s just for shock-value!”
“Why do you always have to try to be different?! Why can’t you just eat ice cream like a normal person?!”

This was not a real question; I’d sat through enough of these to know that. They didn’t want answers; they’d already decided who I was and why. There was nothing I could say to change their judgments. I still remember how deflated I felt. How unfair it seemed since I’d always accepted their quirks and oddities. I would have asked questions before I accused or criticized another… I no longer wanted ice cream and didn’t care about my experiment anymore; I only wanted to be alone.

I quickly learned that I’m far more stone than water. I didn’t have the ability to adjust my behavior to fit into the multiple molds that my family and peers were trying to force me into. So, at a young age, I started spending a lot of time alone – a lot. By the time I was 12, I had begun making “dates” with myself every day. I wrote the times in my diary and looked forward to them. And for those two hours every day, I released myself from all social restrictions. Which alerted me to how often I hid away in the presence of others. I didn’t know how to change, so instead, I retreated into myself, only allowing the fullness of me to emerge when no one else was around – when I was safe.

I hadn’t considered how unhealthy this might be until a few years ago. I was speaking with my friend Chaunté and mentioned that my favorite moment of every day is coming home to an empty house. Her facial expression alerted me to the oddness of my statement. But in that glorious moment, I’m not an employee, chef, teacher, co-worker, customer, sister, daughter, friend, mentor, neighbor, nothing to anyone! I’m simply Nikita. Once the door closes behind me, I slip out of all expectations and ideals of who I should be and bask in the liberty of who I truly am – it feels luxurious!

So, as I work to figure out all my crap, I can’t help but wonder how this attaches to everything else: my fear of commitment, pain of not being accepted, fear of inconveniencing others, worries about failing those I love. Is my love of being alone partly due to the unhealthy bits of hurt and fear I carry within? Perhaps I’m not hiding away from the expectations of others as much as the expectations I’m inadvertently placing on myself? The demands of others that I’ve internalized and accepted as my own responsibility.

The truth is, there are only three people on this planet who I believe accept me no matter what, and even with them and after years of friendship, I still worry about wearing out my welcome. Everyone else has given clear signs of my limitations, the need to take me in “small doses” [that was actually said to me by a friend]. I’ve had a best friend tell me that my personality is so big that she can’t get any sun when she’s around me! I ECLIPSED HER JUST BY BEING ME!!! One close friend stopped speaking to me for asking a question. I still don’t know what I said wrong. So, I closed up.

Being alone is my favorite place to be because it’s like my soul being placed on a charger. It gives me the energy to plow through a world full of individuals who, for some reason, think I should origami my entire being to fit their ways and moods… That certainly sounds unhealthy, but when you’ve been thrown away for being yourself, lonesomeness becomes a beautiful default.

What now? How do I purge myself of the words and actions of those who can’t handle all I am so I’m not hiding away from those who might be able? How do I free myself from the duality of who I am and who I’ve allowed others to guilt me into being? How do I let go of the need to protect people from their insecurities and discomforts concerning me? How do I allow myself the same freedom without as I have within? I honestly don’t know… yet.

6 thoughts on “Alone”

  1. Ok…first of all…Gawd woman how you can write ” “Being alone is my favorite place to be because it’s like my soul being placed on a charger. It gives me the energy to plow through a world full of individuals who, for some reason, think I should origami my entire being to fit their ways and moods… ‘ “Origami my entire being…” that is just an amazing description.

    Now…I really should be asleep…but I can’t let this go without answering some of the thoughts racing through my head right now. There is absolutely NOTHING wrong with spending time….with YOU. I had a book years and years ago I think it was SOLITUDE by Anthony Storr. Helped me a lot with the desire to just be me….with me. There’s another called PARTY OF ONE Anneli Rufus that would probably drive all the uber social people insane. (And thank goodness for amazon to find the author’s name so I didn’t have to get out of bed to find the book .) It’s been 20 or maybe 30 years ago years since I’ve read either one so I may have changed some thoughts I found in them back in the day but I think the basic idea of being content with yourself is an absolutely fine one. I’ve known people who could not stand the idea of spending ANY time alone. The one who comes to mind first is the lead singer of Jere’s band. Picture it….Chicago…1972…(hear this in the voice of Sophia Petrillo …Golden Girls) the band has 2 days off. All the guys are going back to Indiana to see family, friends. Except the lead singer. He is tearing apart the apartment the band is staying in to find some groupie girl’s phone number because he can’t stand the idea of spending 2 freaking days alone by himself. I have never forgotten that…that someone could not stand to be in the company….of himself.

    I’m not going to fight with WordPress right now to figure out how to put a photo in this commes…so I’ll just send it to you in text. It’s something my dear Daughter in Law put on her FB page…and it took my breath away because it is absolutely what I do…and probably have done my entire life. Maybe it’s what you’re doing??

    Stop expecting YOU from people.
    ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

    1. I love EVERYTHING about this!!! And I already heard Sophia before you told me to! Haha!! I don’t mind that I enjoy being alone or like (love) spending time with me. I don’t like some of the possible reasons. I’m okay with self-imposed isolation, but not because of fear and damage.
      Do you think that my wanting others to accept me the way I am is the same as “expecting Me from them”? If so, then yes, that’s probably what I’m doing. My sister calls me the “Equal Opportunity Friend” because I accept and love anyone, no matter how broken or different they are from me. I guess I want that same thing. I don’t want to be tossed away because of my differences or imperfections.
      But, I know that I have to grow from this (hence the post). I’m TOTALLY okay with who I am (seriously, I like me a lot), I want to be equally okay with the fact that other people – sometimes even those I love – may not.

      Like

      Reply

  3. Let me start by saying, I love YOU, just the way you are and have ever since we met. I truly enjoy your writing just as much. You are a Godsend and there is no doubt about that. I never heard of Heavenly Hash, but I do love Rocky Road, it’s one of my favorites!

    I have learned to be somewhat ok with being alone over the years only because being alone allows me to not have to accommodate others and their expectations. Also, I learned it was a great place to hide so that I couldn’t hurt anyone by accident because I am a VERY flawed human being capable of hurting others because of my own brokenness. For me, being alone can grow to be unhealthy when I choose to be alone and not use it as the opportunity to recharge. I use it to hide and keep away. I use it to isolate. I experience major depression and anxiety, and as I grew older I began to believe that it would always be best to be alone when suffering through all of that because it’s such an ugly battle internally, that if it became external it could hurt others too.

    At this time, I don’t believe that I have the freedoms internally or externally, I just have more control on being able to isolate myself and keep others at bay, opposed to exposing others to me, because in my experiences, not too many people have been considerate enough to consider me in the least little bit yet need consideration completely for themselves to be accepted and tolerated.

    I have always admired those who were content with being alone and craved it. I was never that person before I became an adult and really could have benefitted from practicing that when I was younger. Over time and through so many bad interactions with others, (although there are far more positive interactions with others), I have found it easier for me to just be alone rather. Even in the midst of using my time as a time to isolate, I have always seen in my results after isolating myself from certain people or events, that I would be able to regain my balance. In a sense, I would experience a “recharge” if you will. It just wasn’t intentional on my part.

    Still growing older and hopefully wiser, I have been able to be redirected in this area… I try to use my alone time for healing, learning, understanding, and now, adding to my list, recharging. (I am not always successful in using my time wisely). I am learning to be more intentional about how I spend my alone time. Because it’s just as important even if I am proactively doing nothing, it’s important to spend my time more wisely and healthily.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

    1. Honestly, I don’t mind the fact that I love to be alone, it’s a part of me. I just think that I’ve grown to love being alone a little too much. It’s like my own personal oasis from a world where I never truly seemed to fit. Like you, I want my time alone – and desire to be alone -to be healthy, not like a narcotic that whisps me away from reality. Wednesday, I had a wonderful dinner, in a mansion, with engaging conversation, it was a fabulous time! As the evening wound down, I felt elation at the thought of going home to be with ME. Maybe that’s normal (who the heck knows what’s “normal” anyway)? I have more than enough unhealthy tendencies, I just want to be sure this isn’t one of them.

      Like

      Reply

Leave a reply to NikitaJGarcias Cancel reply