“Close some doors today. Not because of pride, incapacity or arrogance, but simply because they lead you nowhere.”

Paulo Coelho

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I’ve been thinking a lot about walls and doors lately. Well, due to my relationships, I actually think about them quite often. Anyone who’s met me can attest that the entrance to my heart is opened wide to all who need shelter. Giant French doors that I’m not very good at leaving ajar, they’re either opened wide or closed shut. Actually, I’m not so great at closing them either. And apparently, I was absent the day life taught everyone how to build walls. I am an unfortified castle, perpetually vulnerable to attack from without and within… I think it’s time to call a contractor.

This world can be a cruel, reckless, cold, blame-filled, angry, hateful place! Sounds harsh, but it’s true. For those of us who don’t want to live this way, we must execute caution when deciding who we let inside, and how close they come to our center. But I’ve allowed people to come as close as they wanted, never wise to danger until someone’s Trojan horse explodes in emotionally fueled carnage. So, I live this strange dynamic of having opened doors that I don’t always feel safe coming out of, and bearing the trauma, scars, and limp from those who I’ve let inside.

For years, my sister has jokingly referred to me as “an equal opportunity friend.” Although not meant as one, I’ve always considered this to be a compliment – a glowing endorsement of my love and acceptance of others. I’m beginning to view it as damaging naivete. Should one be equal opportunity? Should “friends” who treat me according to their moods have the same access as those who love me beyond the moments’ fleeting emotion? Is it acceptable to have eggshells carelessly strewn across the sacred floors of my inner court?

I’m realizing that the open floor plan of my heart may need to be redesigned. I have seen on tv shows and movies where someone is given a certain level of “clearance,” and that level dictates the level of trust and intimacy the individual has earned within the company or organization. Maybe I need a clearance system! A way to know how much of myself to invest and how deep into my realm one is able to penetrate. Maybe even a waiting room where they’re observed, and background checks are run. I don’t know, but I have to do something. I fear that my injuries will soon overtake my nature – I’m NOT okay with that.

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Of course, all of this is theoretical. I may not be built to have walls and closed doors – Lord knows I have no clue how. I may be created to give out more than I need to take in. It’s very possible that I’m at my best when I allow myself to love without fear or requisition. Sigh… that sounds inconveniently biblical. So, I just did all of this thinking and writing to come to the conclusion that I probably don’t need a contractor after all – I need to be a stronger ME. The ease at which I love others is one of my best qualities. It has also aided in befriending some of the planet’s most amazing people.

The same doors that have welcomed my most painful experiences also let in my most precious treasures. I would happily accept a million Trojan horses to have found a friend like Mathew! Our friendship was formed due to my lack of walls and doors that never shut. And yes, I am a little worse for the wear, but I like me – a lot – my original contractor did a pretty decent job. So, I’ll honor Him by recklessly loving all who cross my path. I’ll leave my doors open and accept that maybe that giant horse really is just an abnormally generous gift.

And instead of closing myself in or the world out, I’ll learn how to let people go. If my sense of humor, laugh, mannerisms, walk, conversation, or general “Nikita-ness” displeases you, that’s okay. There are 7.6 billion other humans on this planet, and I am happy to set you free so that you can discover more of them. I’ll gladly pack your eggshells, give you a loving farewell hug, and you won’t even have to shut the door behind you.