Friday, I finished a wonderful YA novel by Lisa Fipps called Starfish. It was about a young, overweight girl named Ellie who struggles through a life of almost constant verbal, emotional, and psychological abuse because of her weight. She had a list of what she called “Fat Girl Rules.” Things that she wasn’t allowed to do, had to make sure she always did, and allowed others to do, all because she was a “fat girl.”

Ellie absolutely broke my heart! She forced me to realize that I have lived my entire adult life by my own “Fat Girl Rules.” I’ve never allowed myself to live my life freely because somewhere along the line I became convinced that I don’t have the right. So, there’s a loooooong list of rules that I very rarely deviate from in order to feel protected from further scrutiny. Even when these rules cause damage to my relationships or happiness, I still follow them strictly.

The only time Ellie felt like herself was when she was swimming. She would stretch out her limbs and float on the surface of the water, feeling the euphoria of weightlessness – she called it “starfishing”. As the book progresses, she slowly learns to allow herself to “starfish” in other areas of her life, letting go of her rules and the weight of the cruel words spoken to and about her. It is a brilliant and much needed novel that I wish I’d had growing up!

But the thing is, when it comes to this topic; I haven’t grown up yet. I’m still the teenage girl struggling to accept her body, trying fruitlessly to hide every gross imperfection. At 40-years old, I still need this book. Watching a young girl gain power over her enemies, both without and within, gave me even more courage to fight for power over the enemy in my mind. As I closed that book Friday night, I knew it was time to destroy my list of rules and allow myself the same freedoms I so desperately wanted for Ellie.

I didn’t realize I would have to start destroying my rules the very next morning. Yesterday, I attended my first Zumba class, taught by amazing my co-worker, Andi. When she invited me, I had all the normal thoughts; I’ll probably be the biggest there! What can I wear to hide everything? What if there are lots of people around?! But I was still on a high from the book and woke up Saturday morning, ready to Zumba.

All of my fears were soon confirmed… I was the biggest there, I didn’t have clothes to hide everything, and it was in a park where people were constantly stopping to watch. But I tried to keep my eyes fixed on Andi. At first, it was a great struggle. I kept pulling at my shirt to keep it over my stomach and working to make sure nothing jiggled too much as we danced around the giant open gazebo. I fought exaggerated images of how I might look to those passing by which kept me from completing some of the moves.

But at some point, the word “starfishing” popped into my mind and I realized that I was about as far from starfishing as I could be! So, I stopped, gave myself a mental reset, and decided to become weightless. Weightless from my cruel thoughts, the possible perceptions of the people watching, and even the unfortunate truths that I couldn’t change in that moment. I let myself go and Zumba’d my heart out! I lifted my arms and twisted my hips as if I was the only person for miles.

And just like that, I was STARFISHING!!!

I know that I have many more mountains to climb and bridges to cross, but this one felt pretty darn great. I’m going back to Zumba Tuesday night and intend to continue when I move back east. I want to be a starfish –  open and shameless. Flabby arms, fatty gut, cellulite thighs and all! I don’t hide the fat and gristle of my soul (hence this blog), so why my body?

Sigh… my journey continues!