For the past six weeks or so, my life’s PAUSE button has been broken. Most days, I feel as if the walls are closing in on me, and I don’t have enough time or mental clarity to form a plan of escape. I feel like I’m failing… failing at school, failing to give my all at work, failing my aunt (who I’m supposed to be helping), and failing myself because I’m constantly stressed and have no clue how to administer self-care when it’s all I can do to survive.

However, there’s one thing that I make sure to do for myself – run. I started running three days a week at the beginning of the year, and it’s more rewarding than I can articulate. I get on the treadmill, turn up my music, close my eyes, and RUN from the pestilence of anxiety and negativity. For 90 minutes a week, I feel free. And it’s the only area of my crazy life where I don’t feel like a complete failure.

Last week was especially rough. There was unnecessary drama at both of my jobs, school assignments were crushing me, and my already difficult living situation became unbearable. Also, due to stress, an impossible schedule, and lack of sleep, I was so exhausted that I missed three school assignments (that had NEVER happened before!) No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t carry everything – and I was extremely frustrated with myself.

So that Friday, I was pumped to jump on the treadmill. There was SO much to outrun. I usually have a 5-minute warmup, but not that day; I just took off running. I pictured all of my problems, fears, hurts, and failures breaking off of me with each step like old, rusted chains. The freer I felt, the harder I ran.

After about twenty-five minutes, I opened my eyes and saw a handwritten note in front of me that read, “You’re Doing Great!” It was such a small and simple thing, but I almost lost my footing on the speeding belt as I read those precious words. A laugh burst from my heart as my eyes filled with tears. My favorite staff member smiled at me, and I knew he’d penned the thoughtful message.

Words of affirmation have never been my thing. They barely registered on my Love Language Assessment at all. It isn’t that I don’t like hearing words of encouragement or appreciation; I do. I just don’t feel moved by them. Yet there was something stunning about being seen and acknowledged at a time when I couldn’t see myself – at least not the part of myself that was good enough.

Voltaire said, “il meglio è nemico del bene,” which translated means “best (perfect) is the enemy of good.” He was basically saying that as long as “perfect” is one’s focus, “good” will never be enough. I’d given all I had yet was always found wanting. Work left undone, bills not paid, missed assignments, a complaining aunt, and a weighed down Nikita were all I could see.

But he saw my effort! I’m not the fastest runner by any means, and I don’t yet have the stamina to go long distances, but at the speed I run, for the distance I go, I give my all – and in his eyes, that was great. GREAT!!! Not okay. Not good. But GREAT. I’ve spent my whole life chasing perfection, and short of that, I’ve never truly felt “good enough.” But, as I finished that incredible run and stepped off the treadmill to stretch, I… FELT… GREAT. And although the rest of my life stayed the same, I wore that feeling all weekend.