Please, celebrate me home
Give me a number
Please, celebrate me home
Play me one more song
That I'll always remember
And I can recall
Whenever I find myself too all alone
I can sing me home.
           -Celebrate Me Home, Kenny Loggins

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I’ve always loved the holidays! Although Thanksgiving is my favorite, the entire season from my birthday (Novembeer 14) through New Year’s Day was magical. It’s a time of year that I look forward to and take every opportunity to celebrate. I decorate my home, play holiday music and movies constantly, buy as many gifts as possible, and soak up all the cheer! But things are different this year. I don’t feel light and cheerful. Instead, I feel detached and burdened. I spent Thanksgiving at home alone in pajamas instead of with friends and family – and it was perfect. I have no desire to buy Christmas gifts, which is crazy! I bought cards weeks ago and never got the unction to fill them out and send them.

It isn’t like I’m totally humbugged; I’ve been watching the specials, listening to Nat King Cole, and drinking the nog. But I can’t find those old feelings. I just want to be alone – all alone – all the time. Actually, for the first time ever, I wish I could go away, and if I had the funds, I would. I realize it’s been a tough year, and I’ve evolved a lot over the past few years, but these feelings seem so unfamiliar to me. I used to LOVE hosting every holiday, preparing my home, cooking the food, baking the desserts, welcoming the guests, playing the games, all of it. Now I want to rest and have someone else cook my food while I enjoy a long, indulgent spa day. Sigh… now that sounds lovely!

If I did spend the holidays with others, who would I spend them with? I don’t know where I fit anymore. I’m not sure I ever fit; I just failed to notice. I may have inadvertently created a life based on my feelings for others. But now that I have no desire to single-handedly sustain the relationships, they’re all flaking away. I don’t reach out, so we rarely connect. I knew I had no tribe and that I was on the outside knocking; I just never knew what would happen if my knocking stopped. And I certainly never thought I would be okay with the resulting silence. So, instead of wedging myself into the events of others, I’ve found a comforting yet foreign peace in solitude.

Have I lost my holiday joy? I feel like I’m on sabbatical from mankind… okay… maybe that did sound a bit humbuggy.

One of my favorite holiday songs is Celebrate Me Home by Kenny Loggins. It’s a beautiful song about someone who’s been away and wants to revel in the love and comfort of home. He’s asking his people to make it a time he’ll never forget. To sing a song of love that he can take with him when he goes back on the road. I adore the idea of the song, however, I think I might be the only one who can sing me home. The “home” I have established is in me – I’m a visitor everywhere else. So, this holiday season, I’ll stay in, alone, and give myself a time that I’ll never forget… and that’s okay.