Broken Bits

At times, our own light goes out and is rekindled by a spark from another person. Each of us has cause to think with deep gratitude of those who have lighted the flame within us.

Albert Schweitzer

I’ve been thinking a lot about how blessed I am, and the countless reasons I have to be grateful. It’s a topic I think about quite a bit, but lately, more than usual. Last week, a dear friend said that I was one of the most grateful people she’s ever known – that seriously warmed my whole heart. However, I know that I could stand to focus more on all I have instead of the things I may not.

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Today, a dear friend told me that she feels “broken beyond repair.” From hundreds of miles away, I felt the ricochet of those brutal words. Granted, she’s endured traumas that not many could survive. But I know her better than most, and not only is she a far cry from broken beyond repair, she spends much of her time trying to find ways to uplift others who feel broken themselves.

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Since she was thirteen years old, I’ve been sending my friend’s daughter Christmas presents through him. Six or seven years ago, I sent her a necklace because I disagreed with the masculine gifts he’d bought. She carried around that necklace all Christmas day like a precious treasure, thus began the Christmas gift tradition. However, since April of this year, she and I have forged a bond of our own. She’s more mine than his now… It sounds terrible, but he’ll get over it.

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“I actually attack the concept of happiness. I don’t mind people being happy - but the idea that everything we do is part of the pursuit of happiness seems to me a really dangerous idea and has led to a contemporary disease in Western society, which is fear of sadness. It’s a really odd thing that we’re now seeing people saying “write down 3 things that made you happy today before you go to sleep”, and “cheer up” and “happiness is our birthright” and so on. We’re kind of teaching our kids that happiness is the default position - it’s rubbish. Wholeness is what we ought to be striving for and part of that is sadness, disappointment, frustration, failure; all of those things which make us who we are. Happiness and victory and fulfillment are nice little things that also happen to us, but they don’t teach us much. Everyone says we grow through pain and then as soon as they experience pain they say “Quick! Move on! Cheer up!” I’d like just for a year to have a moratorium on the word “happiness” and to replace it with the word “wholeness”. Ask yourself “is this contributing to my wholeness?” and if you’re having a bad day, it [likely] is."

-Hugh Mackay

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I am currently attending Indiana Wesleyan University, working towards my bachelor’s in Human Services. About a year ago, we were instructed to create a PowerPoint slideshow about our lives in no more than 12 slides. And in typical Nikita fashion, I decided that if I was going to do it, then it was going to be ridiculous; starting with third-person narration. I had forgotten all about the assignment until I came across it tonight while thinning out my school files (seems a lifetime ago). I figured I’d share it since I share everything else on here. Sorry about the blurry font! I tried to fix it, but couldn’t figure it out. Honestly, I was shocked I got this far. Read more

Happy Thanksgiving, All!!!

Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday. Yes, I love the parade, food, and family board game battles, but the best part is hearing all the beautiful-and sometimes hilarious-things my people are grateful for. This morning I sent around 114 texts and emails asking my loved ones what makes them most thankful, and I received so many responses. I’m excited to share some with you!

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I wrote a children’s book years ago. I am generally my hardest critic, but I loved every single line. After receiving rave reviews from a few trusted sources, I decided to send the book to several publishers. The next day, I received four emails and three phone calls from interested parties. I was positively stunned! To make a long story short, one publisher was particularly moved by my writing and wanted to fly me to New York for a meeting. I realize how amazing this sounds, but everything was happening WAY too fast! I expected months of rejection and wasn’t at all prepared for possible success. So, I stopped answering the calls, ignored the book, and put the whole situation in my rearview. [Infuriating, right?!]

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On November 15, 2020, I finally mustered the courage to launch the blog that my brother told me to start ten years earlier. I didn’t know what to expect; I only knew that I had thoughts, feelings, regrets, and wonderings that were doing no good festering on the inside. I can’t tell you how amazing it’s felt to begin to let go and share my life and heart with you all. I wanted to create a space for people who needed something to connect to because I needed such a space so many times in my life. And based on the messages I’ve received, I believe that, for a few, I have been moderately successful.

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My ninth-grade year was difficult, to say the least. My family was the poorest we’d ever been. My father had lost his job and was going through a depression that presented itself in bursts of violence, and my mother was even more checked-out than usual. I should have been excited about starting high school, but there was nothing special to mark the occasion. We couldn’t afford new clothes or school supplies, which was especially sad for me since I only had one pair of pants. Also, our water had been turned off for failure to pay, so I had to walk to my best friend’s house to bathe. As I said, difficult, to say the least.

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